Diary of a crazy woman. caution, not my usual cheery self.
by Shelby Severance Bedard on Wednesday, July 13, 2011 at 1:52pm
today, I am broken. I need way stronger glue, to keep me together. All I can keep thinking is that I really need my Mom. I just want to call my Mom, and tell her that, but I cant let her know how much I need her, because she is far, far away taking care of her husband who is suffering massive after effects of chemo and radiation. and I cant add this stress to her already stressful life. I really cant wrap my head around why Doctors keep us alive. Wendel, my step dad, appeared to be a very healthy man 10 yrs ago. He ate well, Jogged, swam, etc...... Then he had a colonoscopy. Today, he is a shell of his former self. probably not even 100 lbs, cant walk, sits in his chair all day, in and out of sleep. He used to be an artist, but now has sold all of his supplies because he cant hold his hand steady. He doesn't have to worry about his colon, thats gone now, he proudly poops in a bag. But you know what, He needs to be happy, and grateful, that he's alive. The Dr's got rid of that cancer.
If the Doctors hadn't found that cancer, he wasn't sick when they found it, he could have probably lived a decent life, pain free, for even a couple of years. He wouldn't be with us today, but who is here with us today, a broken man, that probably is asking himself the same questions that I am. Why......???????
What is the purpose of me still being here. is it to save all of you the heartache of my untimely death? or the pain of a sharp knife of a short life? I beat all the odds by surviving this, especially beat the odds because I waited 3 extra days to go to the hospital for a wrong diagnosis. Shit, I should of freakin died that day. but somehow, some way, I hung on for 2 more days. After the surgery, It was a wait and see. most people that survive what I had survived up to this point, die any way, for up to 30 days after that. but no...... not me......... Why?????
I dont remember anything from day 4 of my dying untill sometime in ICU when I started coming back to life. So If they hadn't fixed me, I can tell you, I wouldn't have known. I don't blame my husband for doing what he had to to help me, but I do blame the Doctors, for not realizing that sometimes playing God, and saving people is extremely selfish. If They had just let me die, Everyone would have hurt, probably really bad, I was a nice person after all, lol. but....... that was 7 months ago. People would now be starting to heal.
I have learned from my support group, that life will never be back to normal, that the only way to mentally survive this hell I am in, is to accept that today is my "New Normal" Tomorow is going to be my "New Normal" and the day after that is going to be another "New Normal" I usually can deal with my daily normal, but the way it affects everyone around me, is slowly killing me.
My husband is the best, I couldn't ask for any better. He is so patient, and so kind, and so loving. But I cant stop myself from crying when I hear his voice on the phone. The poor guy is at work, just checking to see if I took my medicine, or how my day is going, and I lose it. more and more everyday now. We use to be eachothers rock. we were equal partners, in our life. now he not only has the burden of it all, but then he has me having a nervous breakdown everyday.
My son Tyler, :) Tyler was diagnosed bi polar when I had to have him committed on mothers day 4 yrs ago. life has been up and down with him ever since. The one constant I know, is that if he is really having a bad day, I can grab a hold of him, and bring him back to Mom. I was his rock. He was spiraling out of control and off his meds when I Went into the hospital. completely went out of control while I was in the hospital, and then got hit by a semi while driving my SUV a month after I got out of the hospital. Luckily he and his friends escaped unharmed, but my SUV went to its grave that night. Needless to say. Tyler is now back on his meds, been on them for a month, and I see a huge difference in the way he handles life, but there isn't a drug for a 23 yr old boy to be able to handle witnessing his mom break down everyday. I can see the fury hidden in his eyes. I am doing way more damage to him, than he could ever do to himself.
Then there is my youngest. My beautiful daughter Nikita. I knew she was different right away, every one that met her, would comment that there was an old soul deep in there somewhere. I have done lots of research into her little idiosincrasies, and always felt that there was something... some little hint of autism. and I have narrowed it down on my own to her possibly having asperger syndrome. But I didn't want to get her coded as autistic in school, because none of it affected her grades. But she never really got any help with her social issues either, and aspergers basically affects you social skills. they don't have empathy, so they can be really mean or say really mean stuff, and walk away, they don't realize what they just did. but at the same time, they don't read body language, They dont understand when someones tone is changing that they are pushing too far, and they keep pushing. They just dont recognize it. at all. and I have always made excuses for her because of this. but what she keeps failing to recognize, is that now, when she says something mean to me, I not only get hateful, and get mean right back. and then I play it over and over and over again in my head, word for word, untill I see her again. while she just walks away, not knowing how bad she hurt me. She is 19yrs old moving 6 hours away in 2 days, with her boyfriend. and beyond stressed out. I cant help her, I keep trying, but all it does is raise my blood pressure, when I dont react. and she keeps telling people that I say mean stuff to her, that I never said. I did tell her once about 4 months ago, that I wish I had died, but that was because she was being so mean, and she keeps wanting me to go back to who I was, and she wont listen to me when I tell her I cant. If I had died, she would have to accept it. She really needs to love me for who I am now, and she has no idea who I am now. and Its killing us both.
Then theres just me...... I am trying so hard to get healthy. I work out 6 days a week, alternating aerobics, and weight training, Paul, georgie and I go for a brisk 30 min walk every morning. I have completely become addicted to vedj, and olive oil. only eat red meat as a treat once a month. I quit a 30 yr addiction to ciggerettes. I am doing everything possible to lower my blood pressure. the only things left to do, are lose weight, and remove stress. Last week, my blood pressure was dangerously high. had to go in and get my meds changed, found out that I gained 3 lbs since my last visit, and because of my age, no matter how hard I work, my metabolism might not let me lose weight. and avoiding stress,???????? hah, read all the above over again. lol.... The new meds make me sick, can barely stand up. Yesterday, I knew my in laws were in town, and was totally looking forward to their visit, made sure I had lots of extra sleep, so that I could handle the day. We had a wonderful visit, but this morning I realized how much I have changed. We went out for dinner, and I couldn't read the menu, I started to, but then my Brain felt that it was going to seaze up. So my Husband had to order for me. all I could really stay focused on was the fact that I had put on my ugly flourescent green crocks, instead of my flip flops, lol..... and I totally felt like I was sitting at the kids table. No one made me feel this way, and I think that they were all unaware. but I was unable to join in any of their conversations. But I had a good time, making faces at my Adult children who could care less about the adult conversation. It was just a shocking realization today. I do most of my communicating with adults here on line, and I can type like an intelligent person, but I have all day to think about what I type, and how I say it. Its a totally different thing out there in the real world. and then when we got home, Nikita started venting again. and I kept my mouth shut, I just got up and said I was going to bed. leaving her with her dad, and she got up all pissy that we were mad at her, and went home. I wasn't mad, I just am not able to deal with stuff.
I am still wondering what the hell my purpose is for still being here. and I am ok if there is no purpose. but damn, its getting tiring, taking two steps forward just to slide 5 back. I wanted to add that while I was writing this letter, my Mom called. :) and I cried to her about how much I needed my Mom. and told her how much she needed to hug her husband today, that I am sure that he asks himself this question everyday. Why ??????????
Want to add a disclaimer, that I am not writing this here to get any sympathy, or pats on the back for making it this far. I just needed to vent. and I would have done it on my support site, but I don't want to bring any of them down, or hear how greatful I should be to be alive. I will try that aproach again tomorow.
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