My struggles with life at the moment, and to let you know that I am "WINNING"
this was originally posted on Face book.
by Shelby Severance Bedard on Wednesday, May 4, 2011 at 2:44pm
Hello fellow friends, family and gamers.
I tagged all of you in this note, so that I could explain why I seam a little different lately. On December 9th, I suffered a ruptured aneurysm. I didn't know that this is what was happening, I woke up with the worse pounding on the back of my head and neck that I have ever felt in my life. I got out of bed, and started to vomit, broke out in a bad sweat, and turned white as a ghost. I should have immediately called an ambulance, but Instead, I took two tylenol, and went back to bed. I usually get migranes 2 or 3 times a year, and thought ok thats what is going on.
This happened on a Thrusday morning, and I had a headache all day on Friday, and Saturday. But they werent as bad as the original on Thursday, just a severe annoyance. Finally decided to go to the hospital on Sat afternoon. My blood pressure was extremely high, and they asked me if it was always that high, and I made a joke that yeah, whenever I have to go to the Dr. I don't have insurance, and cant afford a bill for just a headache. They diagnosed me with Hypertension, and kept me around a while to see if they could get my blood pressure down with meds. they didn't but they sent me home anyway.
I remember coming home, and making those calls to worried family members, to let them know I was ok, but I dont remember much after that.
Paul took me back to the ER on Sunday, and I guess I was very confused, and not really there. and he demanded that they dig a little deeper. so they sent me for a CT scan. and It wasn't long before they had me in an ambulance, and heading for the Neurological unit at Shands memorial hospital in Gainesville.
The next two weeks were a blur. Because I didn't know what happened to me, or where I was, evertime I woke up, I was scared to death, and It would take about 10 min for them to get me to understand that They weren't there to hurt me and that They weren't Usher, Brian Austin Green, and Vince Gill. lol, I don't know why I would be afraid of these people, lol. but that was my wonderful brain at work, and they really did look like these people. Reba was there too. We had to go through this everytime I woke up, Very scary, and Thank the Lord I had my Rock, my wonderful husband Paul with me. (he never left) He would hold my hand, and talk to me, I wouldn't know who he was, but when me, the real shelby started coming around, I could see the happiness in his eyes, and it would quickly pull me back to reality. My room with no windows, and lots of beeping sounds. most of the people on my floor were on breathing machines, and it irritated the crap out of me, because the beeping that they made, sounded like the "State Farm is There" song, and I thought how cruel to advertize Insurance to people in coma's on breathing machines.
Most people dont survive what I did, and even though I survived. there was a very big chance, that I would die within the week. and the odds of my survival weren't good for atleast 30 days. This is because of Vasospasms. This is basically your brain saying Hell No, and squeezing your blood vessels in your brain shut. This happened to me during surgery, so they had to stop early, and I might have to go back and let them finish the platinum coil they were putting in my aneurysm. Paul absolutely refused to let anything negative affect my recovery, so I still Really had no clue,
what had happened, (I kept forgetting)
One day, in the begining, Paul left to go get a coffee, and I woke up while he was gone. I couldn't see my
nurse around either, so I very quickly decided that I was getting the hell out of there. I ripped my IV's out just like you see on tv, and promptly stepped out of bed, and immediately fell to the floor, and hit my head, and passed out till the nurse found me. If any of you have ever been in the hospital for a while, they put this damn massage sleeve on your legs, to prevent blood clots. and that is plugged in to the bed. This is what stopped me from my escape. But for the rest of my stay, I had a sitter, I loved these people, I would talk nonstop with them, untill they would tell me that I
really needed to sleep. I can only imagine what they thought of me, I can only imagine what I said, I mean think about it, what would you say to Usher, lol Poor Paul was locked out of the ICU for a couple of hours, they only told him that I fell, and wouldnt let him in untill I was stable. He wouldn't leave me alone after that.
They sent me home on Christmas eve. It took me about a month to get my strength back and we are still amazed, that I am walking and talking, to look at me, you would never know that I went through this. at first, I couldn't type. I would put my fingers on home row, and think I was hitting the right buttons, but lol not a chance. I kept at it, and got it back, but if you see any typo's here, I try really hard to catch them, but you know, life is too short to sweat that small stuff. , lol. I had to quit all of my games, just going in to collect my gifts quickly overwhelmed me. Hell, Solitaire overwhelmed me. but I kept on it, and can now win at solitaire, it just takes me a long time.
I now have the attention span of a puppy, and my short term memory is shot. I cant read a book yet, its not that I cant read, I cant stay on the page long enough to comprehend what I am reading, and even if I could, I
probably would forget what I read anyway, lol. infact, this note, is taking me all day to write, because I have to walk away, and I keep losing my place, and having to read it over and over again to figure out what I was trying to say. I am still not driving much. I have been cleared to drive, but my thinking is, if I cant keep my attention on a good book, what makes me think that I can keep my attention on the road, lol.
If I am really tired, I talk alot, very fast, and sometimes it gets jumbled, and although I knew what I said, you would have no clue, this has happened to me a couple of times out in public, and the looks on peoples faces, has caused some severe anxiety attacks.
My biggest problem at the moment, are my emotions, and that gets me to why I am writing this note. especially since I have recently found out that not all of you know what has happened. I have been really mean lately. any one that really knows me, knows that I don't have a mean bone in my body. But I get mad really quick now, and it escalates really quick. Picture me out in the pasture with a machette cutting down weeds.
I know a machette sounds very dangerous, but have you ever hit a pine tree with a baseball bat? that really freaking hurts. hitting a soft irritating weed and slicing in half is good for the soul. lol. Usually it is because someone has questioned my intelligence, or offended me, or I see a Bully, and I want to call them on it, lol. but sometimes, it is the way the wind is blowing today. and when I am in this state, if you pissed me off, I pace and talk to myself for hours, and it escalates to some bitch teased me in first grade, and I know its your fault.
Just ask my brother, last week, he decided he was going to push my buttons. thats what brothers do, it was all in fun, and love, but he had no Idea, what he had done. I love you Nick, and I am so sorry :)
When I get too tired to foster this anger anymore, I break down and cry, and I am talking, Hyperventilating, snot running, hysterical crying. I dont like that evil mean person I become, but I have no control over it yet. My son Tyler is usually here with me, and he is really good at calming me down, but when I start crying like that, he starts crying too. sometimes he calls Paul at work, and other times, Paul is just calling to see how my day is going. and I hear his voice, and lose it harder all over again. His wonderful, totally understanding Bosses, send him home everytime. I am
sure it is mostly out of concern for my mental stability :) but I also cant imagine that he is very useful after hearing his wife go insane.
But, here comes the best part of this insanity, When Paul comes home and makes me feel safe, and loved again, thats when the hysterical laughter begins. I am laughing at the madness, but I cant stop, lol. I am litterally rolling on the floor laughing my ass off. They say laughter is the best medicine, but this hurts, and I usually cant breathe.
Now, on to the good news, I am not going insane, this is normal brain activity after a brain injury. When blood rests on top of your brain, it kills the brain cells underneath it. My brain had blood sitting on it for 5 days before it got cleaned up. I am a walking, talking miracle, I get frustrated waiting for life to get back to normal, but this is my new normal. I have joined a worldwide support group on the internet, and am learning new tools to handle the things that are really getting to me. I have been tempted to Leave FB because it is the one place that upsets me the
most, but at the same time, its where all my friends are, I cant walk away, I have 9 hours a day to try to entertain myself, I dont have cable or satalite tv, and I cant read a book, so this is where I am frequently through out the day.
Now that I have my strength back, I am finding some new things to do, I quit smoking cold turkey after a pack a day habit for 30 years, I am working out every other day. I had too, quitting smoking really tips those scales, but I am very excited. I have one of those metabolisms, that only works when I am working out. I am going to be one sexy hot
mama in probably 6 mos. maybe less than that, I have begun substituting all my bad fats with nuts and EVOO, my red meat with fish, and my sugar cravings with fresh fruit. I am eating tons of vedgies. and fruits. thats another thing that happened to my brain, my taste buds have changed. I have always hated mushrooms, and when I got out of the hospital, I told Paul that I was craving mushrooms, I wanted a big portabello sandwich. I have always hated peppers too, and Paul told me that when I was in the hospital that I ate a ton of peppers. so needless to say, this weight will be gone, my blood pressure, and cholesterol should be better, my breathing will be better, yay.
I am only 44, my kids have grown, and we are working on getting the last of them out of the house. I am celebrating my 25th wedding anniversary this dec. and I am going to be extremely healthy to enjoy this new phase in my life, heres to another 25 yrs of wonderful wedded bliss.
I am going to Shands again this following monday, May 9th for my 6 month follow up a little early so that they can see if they need to fill that bubble more. Its outpatient surgery, but still scary as hell, and there is some small risk involved. They will be performing a cerebral angiogram, for those that dont know what that is, they will be inserting a camera into my femoral artery, (in my groin) feeding it through my artery, into and through my heart, then up into my brain, to look around, all of this is done while I am awake, and I should be home monday night as long as it all
goes well, can you tell that I am a little scared? lol.
So, to end on a good note, I want to say I am sorry if I have offended you, sorry if I have hurt your feelings. I never intended to do that, and beat myself up over it more that you could ever think to do. I will probably do it again. and then I will refer you here. It depresses me to keep saying that I am sorry, and telling this story over and over again.
and when I heal completely, and have accepted my new normal, lets go have a beer. :)
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