Hello,
Aunt Carol I am hoping that you still use this email. I wanted to thank you for the couple of cards you have sent, they are still on my fireplace mantel. lol. and I think of you fondly when I see them.
and Uncle Craig, because I don't want to write this all over again. and want to keep you up to date.
Please let me know if I have the correct email addresses.
Things are going alright here, I get very frustrated, because nothing ever seams to go right for me. My newest frustration is how crappy I feel. They say that Hypertension is a silent but deadly disease, but I felt good with high blood pressure. Now that they have it under control, I just want to sleep. She said that is normal for people that have always had hypertension, and eventually I will feel better.
They have also found out that my thyroid is shot, and they started me on 25 mcg of synthroid, but they waited 6 months to check that level in my blood, and they just upped my dose to 50 mcg. I hope this works. I am doing everything in my power to lower my bp normally. so that maybe someday I can get off of some of these meds. (I am dizzy all the time) Paul and I have both quit smoking, We go for a mile walk every morning as the sun is coming up, we want to up it to 2 miles, but are waiting for cooler weather. I excersize 6 days a week, alternating aerobics and weight training. I only eat red meat as a treat every now and then, but eat lots of chicken and fish, and vedgies and fruit. totally do not use butter or margarine, switched to olive oil. I am telling you all of this because the part that is frustrating me the most is that the only thing left for me to do to lower my blood pressure on my own is to lose weight, unfortunately, I put on 50 extra pounds when I quit smoking. and the last 3 times I have been to the Dr, I keep adding 5 or more pounds to that. My Dr says that it is either one of the bp medicines, or my thyroid, or because I am peri menopausal, and to just keep working at it. Arghhhhh.... do they have any clue. I am now at 239 lbs, and doing squats and lunges, I cant work any harder. and I am doing all of this when all I really want to do is sleep. (hoping that the extra synthroid helps with this)
My surgery has been canceled again. due to lack of funds or insurance of course. I hate Florida, but am grateful that one of the laws here ,is that no matter how much I owe, they cant take my house, they can put a lean on it, but they cant take it. I was able to get help from my county for my hospital bills, but they wont pay the Dr, or all the other people that fill up that team. Those Dr's and hospital have their own indigent care fund, but I don't live in their county. I asked my Neurosurgeon, if maybe I should just go to Tallahassee Memorial, and he said they would just send me there. He did tell me to relax, that as long as I keep my blood pressure low, I probably wont have another bleed. and If I cant do that then they will do it on an emergency basis. Unfortunately, I was very, very lucky to survive the original one, and then add to that the vasospasms. and I think I have used up my luck. Relax, hmmmm, right, sure.........
I am still trying to apply for SSI, I am unable to get disability because I didn't pay in this last year so I didn't have enough credits. but what I really want is medicaid, I have the crappiest primary care Dr. but its sliding scale, only $10 a visit, and lab work at the local hospital is free. I need a neurologist, these college educated people here in good ole Madison county have no clue. I actually have refused to ever see the actual Dr. again. I now see his Physician Assistant. I tried to talk to the Dr about some of the problems that I am having and why I cant work yet, and he laughed at me, told me it had nothing to due with the Brain Injury, it was from being peri menopausal, and He wanted to prescribe Prozac. Didn't ask me any questions about anything. and just winked at my husband. and I now fantasize about kicking this Man in the nutts, lol......
But I have to make due, because I cant get medicaid unless I am pregnant, or have ssi or dissabilitly, If I can convince a lawyer to take my case on the ssi, I might eventually win it, but it could be years. I have tried to explain to all of my Dr's that something is broken in my brain. and they just smile and say that depression is normal for what I have been through. they offer drugs for it, but I keep trying to convince them that it is not depression. I am depressed, but most of it is from the frustration of nobody listening to me. and I cant fault them for that either, because I rarely finish a sentence, or a thought, before I get side tracked on something else. But Something that has been bothering me lately, is that everyone keeps focusing on the depression, I cant read a book because I am depressed. I cant drive my car because the depression is causing me to have a panic attack. I have been depressed before, and even had anxiety and panic attacks, this isn't it. but I don't have a degree. so they don't listen to me. Unfortunately because I don't have that degree, I don't know how to explain my symptoms so that maybe they will understand. But I keep digging and googling, and I know its neurological. I actually have been looking at "Executive cognitive impairments" Hello......... thats me. lol...... My attention span is shot, and my memory is shot. When I try to read a book, I cant pay attention. past 1 page, so I tried to just read one page at a time, but I don't remember what I already read. I have also tried, just reading some magazines or the newspaper, and stick to small articles, and I can do that for less than 15 min. and even then If I go back to read it again, its all new to me. I have tried to force myself, and all that it accomplishes is my brain acts like it is on overload, and I cant keep my eyes open, not for one second more. The same thing happens when I attempt to drive. I now have a standard, and all the clutch pushing and shifting I have to do just to get to the end of my street. and I need a nap. I cant go any further. hopefully someday I might be able to get an automatic, but I never really realized how much attention driving requires. lol. I just cant do it..
But anyway, I have been writing this since 7 am, because I have to walk away and do something else about every 5 min, then when I come back to it, I have to re read what I wrote,, and remember enough to keep typing, lol. It is now noon time. so somethings might not make sence. but wanted to leave this on a good note. The kids are doing great. Paul and I couldn't be any closer. he has so much patience with me. and as much as it seams like I am depressed. lol. I laugh all the time. I keep telling Paul that I just want to go dance naked in the rain, but I am sure that there is some law against that here in the bible belt. But what I am really saying is that I love my simple life, and all this crap, is making me love it even more. I see things more beautifully now.
Lots of love to you and your family's, and I will try to write more.
Shelby
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